The Rain and Myriad Reflections (Please Read!)

I want to share about an incident that occurred awhile after I had injured my knee.  It was a fairly striking moment for me personally.  I'm not 100% sure when it happened, but I am fairly confident that it was the 23rd of March.

I had been using my knee in gradually increasing increments after the initial injury.  It would get better enough that I would legitimately wonder if anything was still wrong with it, but then I'd use it a bit too much and it would let me know that it was definitely not ok.  After one of these times where I'd pushed it a bit too much, it was hurting quite a bit.  I think I'd just gotten back to doing certain types of ukemi (falls), but in a different style than usual to protect it, and now I was bummed that I may have to go back to not falling.  It wasn't possible to know until the next day when I woke up (to see how sore it was and how much it could move).  For some reason I was at Kodaira extra late; Anya had gone to prepare to go to bed, and Lin-san was seeing me off at the door.  It had been raining earlier, but now the rain was really coming down--even Lin-san was surprised and said she hadn't seen it rain this hard in a long time (she's lived there over a year at this point).  She was concerned whether or not I'd be ok, but I told her I'd be fine and headed out (there really wasn't any other choice anyway).  As I walked, I was in poor spirits--it was quite cold, and the rain was coming down very hard.  It was so late that I was concerned I'd miss the last train as I couldn't push my walking pace with my knee in its current condition (I could limp at a certain pace, but anything faster strained it and made it worse).  I also had to get up at 4:30AM the next morning for the last day of the 4:30AM mornings, and I was already exhausted at the beginning of this walk (and from three previous 4:30AM days).  As such, when I stepped out into the rain with my umbrella, I kind of laughed and thought 'it would be this way'.  At least it was slightly funny to me, though I was mostly just exhausted and slightly depressed in terms of my emotional state and outlook.  As my knee ached and throbbed, the rain was heavy enough that it started dripping through my umbrella--somehow the waterproof (or maybe water resistant?) material was getting so soaked in the cold night air that the rain was beginning to drip onto my head even through it.  At this point when I was feeling quite low, I realized that I could adopt two different perspectives.  On one side, I was tired, in pain, cold, wet, going to get too little sleep, going to have to get up very soon, might miss the last train, and I still had to endure another couple weeks with whatever my knee/body gave me.  On the other side, I was in Japan--in a completely foreign country that many people dream of visiting and never will--walking down a cool residential street very late at night (thus I could enjoy it uninterrupted) in the rain, which I love (and never get to experience frequently since Kansas is a rather dry state).  Both sets of facts were entirely true, but the first focused on worries and the future, and the second focused on just the immediate now and on enjoying what was positive and available.  I chose the second perspective, and in doing so I found myself legitimately enjoying my evening walk (which is very different from lying to myself and trying to convince myself I was enjoying it--I didn't say my knee didn't hurt or that I wasn't cold or that I wasn't wet--I didn't even think about those things at all; instead I focused on the cool things and the bad things faded to the background).  I was enjoying the walk so much that I took a video, realized it was too dark on the phone to see what I could with my eyes, and decided to walk back and take a second video near a lighted garage so that it would be visible when being watched later, even though it took more time (I wanted to share this legitimately enjoyable walk with you, who are reading this later--yes, you all were actually on my mind at that moment along with wanting to share the good that was there with those I cared about (you all)).  Here's the second video in the rain (still not super visible).

Here's the first video I took that is less visible; the sound of rain is still fun.

After having a good walk, I enjoyed the heated train ride home (I made the last train), and then I slept well and even had a great day the next day.  All of this was because of the choice as to which perspective to operate in.  I thank God that He helped me pick what I knew to be the right one.

This and other instances made it into my prayer journal, which is a book I had with me on my trip.  I want to share some of the other life and spiritual reflections that made it into my prayer journal on this trip.  Many of these things are disconnected thoughts that were striking to me at the time--at least striking enough that I put them down to pray and reflect on more.  I think that several of them contain some of the meat of what I gained on this trip, though there are many other things that I won't be able to share on here for a variety of reasons that were also quite impactful (ask me about some of them, and I'll be happy to share many of them in person or over email or messages!)

The first reflection in my journal was originally inspired by the women who offered me a 'very nice massage' on my way to hombu dojo.  The thought itself is somewhat hard to explain, but I was mostly thinking about the difference between love and lust under a slightly different viewpoint than I normally have.  The initial thought is, I think, somewhat common.  What these women were offering for money seems desirable in a purely physical way, but it actually is not what it seems to be.  It seems to be something pleasurable and connected with another individual, but it is actually strictly offered because of the money and any connection with the person would come after the exchange, if any occurred at all.  Also, the entire framework exists only because of the money--they aren't offering 'very nice' massages for free because they like you.  It's strictly a trade of what one person wants for what another person wants.  This is the attitude of lust or money--vested self-interest (or what self-desires; this is often in conflict with what is actually good for self so isn't really self-interest).  In contrast, love is interested in the person for the person's sake, and it really has the best interest or the pleasure of the other person at heart.  Actions done in love are done freely and joyfully, and they only come after the relationship has been established and has matured to the point that such actions are natural and feel right or good to do.  They tend to be much more free, sincere, and just... good... in a way that isn't present in a system of exchanging value for value.

I will say that motives are usually somewhat mixed between these two systems early on in a relationship.  For instance, I find I am even capable of pleasing someone else in a way that is actually entirely selfish (it is about my enjoyment of pleasing someone else and my performance/skill at it).  I might not be buying a gift for my girlfriend so I can get something later (the system of exchange), but I might be buying it so I can be pleased at how good of a boyfriend I am (which is still selfish in motivation) in addition to making her happy.  I'm not suggesting that I should entirely do everything I do strictly out of unselfish motivation, by the way (or that it's even possible to do so)--I'm just noting that even in a healthy relationship there's a bit of selfishness usually present and motivations are often mixed.  I DO think that it's best to grow in such a way that it becomes more and more founded on love and less and less selfish--I'm just not sure that it ever reaches 100% purity in this life... maybe certain actions or instances do, but I don't know if a relationship in full does.  

Anyway, I digress--this thought centered about me wanting to live more in love and less in 'lust' or really more less in a system of 'money'/'exchange'.  It is true that such a system is necessary at many times in our life, but I find that the more I center my life on a system of 'exchange' the more I am blinded to love.  This is very obvious to me in sexual lust--the more I objectify someone because of sexual lust, the less possible it is for me to see them as a person and to 'love' the person that they are or operate in love.  However, I also find this is true in other types of 'lust' or areas in life where 'money/exchange' becomes greater.  The more the focus is on exchange the more I worry about the values of what each party is offering and the less likely I am to be able to love the other party, look at the other party in love, freely give or be free myself.  I find this viewpoint of 'money/exchange' actually blocks love and a viewpoint centered in love.  Becoming aware that this occurs in many parts of my life and not just the more obvious cases (like sexual lust) was important for me, and it will stick with me as I examine other instances in my life where I find 'exchange' perspectives are overtaking a 'loving/relational' perspective.'

My next journal entry was straightforward--I reminded myself that the things I have to do/make myself do are things I want to do.  This is a simple perspective adjustment, but a critical one.  Early in the trip I tried to get up early to pray and spiritually center, physically do a stretch sequence my chiropractor recommends, and review Japanese.  Under the tremendous time and sleep strain of my trip, this quickly seemed to be a burden.  I had to remind myself that I was doing these practices daily not 'because I should'/as a burden, but actually because I want to do them.  I want to be spiritually centered--it helps all of my day; I want to be stretched (for 7 minutes of stretching my body is better for hours later); I want to be able to communicate more here (for practical reasons this left my morning routine but I did practice later in the day).  With a simple perspective shift these things became life-giving again instead of life-draining.

Later in my journal, I centered myself/my perspective; the uchideshi life wants become your everything; some of the other uchideshi operated this way and wanted me to operate this way.  However, while this uchideshi experience is important and I should be doing the duties of it well, it is not all of my life nor is it forever.  It is temporary.  This was important for me to focus on so that I could still be aware of opportunities to love others and serve others or to serve the cause of Christ (by loving and serving others).  This is more of my day to day core self, and I cannot let it be usurped by something that is temporary.  In fact, operating in my usual core helps me do the uchideshi work better and more effectively than those who are freaking out about all of the uchideshi work details.  As a side note, I later made a journal entry that pointed out to myself that doing uchideshi work for uchideshi work's sake tends to make me resent the work, whereas if I am in my usual core/perspective, I desire to do the very same work to love and serve others.  The perspective that one operates in is very critical.

My next entry was just a reminder to stay connected to God and others--I had been getting very exhausted and it was easy to just do things like a robot instead of being present in the moment, aware of God and others.

A later journal entry was about sinking into the peace and rhythm of the place--not the also present stress of the place.  The uchideshi were often stressed and went about their duties as though those duties superseded everything else (literally getting in members' ways to do the 'important' uchideshi work).  Rather than serving, this attitude is self-important and creates disharmony in the community.  I wanted to do the same work they did, but do it in a way that blended in with the members of the dojo.  They are here day in day out for years--they represent the true rhythm and constant flow of the place, and they are the people we should be working with to help it stay smoothly functioning in a normal way--not our own internal vision of what an uchideshi does or our own self-important attitude of 'getting this very important work done right now'!  Likewise I wanted to do good, centered, actual Aikido--not frantic overly-energetic uchideshi Aikido (that literally scares some members away from being practice partners with uchideshi).  Letting the pressures of outside expectations push one's Aikido to frantic speed due to one's own desire to perform 'the best' for someone else is fundamentally not doing good Aikido, which involves being centered and blending with the situations around oneself (including the attacker's speed and energy--not speeding up to one's own frantic energy).  In the same vein of thought, I reminded myself to get the spiritual reflection that I came here for, too, and also to invite God onto the mat in prayer and to recenter myself spiritually often.  The constant frantic pace of the other uchideshi is compelling, and I didn't want to get pulled into their mindset but wanted to keep my own.

My next reflection would cause some disagreement in Aikido circles, but I feel Aikido without love and without blending energy with one's partner is dead, and I don't care enough to practice it in the same way that I practice what I would call alive Aikido.  I did Tae Kwon Do for a couple years, and I really enjoyed it, but it wasn't worth the time and money to continue as it was just a hobby for me.  Aikido without love and blending is much the same--it's just a physical art, and it's a fraction of the physical art that it can actually be.  Some people that I ran into practiced Aikido this way.  There was no blending with one's partner's energy or really any love or connection at all--they just did physical things to another person and had physical things done to them, all without giving any energy or really receiving any energy (they usually stopped what you were doing fully, then did something to you, and they tended to be stiff, disconnected boards when you did technique to them--it's not entirely bad as one gets to learn how to apply technique to someone doing that, but it's also not very good when it's constantly all you get).  Living Aikido has constant intent and connection--I am paying attention at all times to my partner when I attack, and I am relaxed, trying not to predict what they will do but always attacking their center and feeling what they are doing through that connection (so I can continue the attack, react if they throw something unexpected, or even turn the technique on them if needed and if the opportunity is there).  This continues throughout the technique and even after the throw, and it started before I attacked.  The same is true when I'm throwing well.  Either way, you can feel the other person the whole time with your senses, but you also can communicate with the other person--you can feel how much power they have, how much power they are using, if they are caring for you or trying to hurt you--there is such a plethora of information transmitted and received, and you can 'talk' or communicate with your partner through your Aikido and through how you execute (or don't execute) a throw or a fall.  I also feel that true Aikido has love as part of it, and you can feel when your partner is trying to throw you at your limit but still caring for you versus when they don't care about you at all (or even really pay attention to you) and just slam something at you whenever they decide to do it.  This difference is literally life and death as far as I'm concerned when it comes to one's Aikido development.  Aikido in which each person pushes the other partner to their limits, but pays constant attention to them and the rest of the room and cares for their partner and the rest of the room often ends with both partners smiling and are more energized, even though they've spent a good deal of physical energy.  This to me is Aikido, and this is much more life-giving and interesting than just cranking on someone's wrist etc.  

God is love (I'm not saying He's 'just' love or limiting Him in any way here--but I do believe God is love as the Bible discusses), so my next reflection is related to the previous in that I only feel Aikido is fully alive when love is present.  This means that God is also present in 'living' Aikido in a way.  I think that is part of what makes Aikido so compelling.  I also think it is risky in that people may feel satisfied because they can feel that without ever going on to ask important questions about God and life, which means they may interact with God on some level and know Him on some level but may never seek to truly know Him, which ends up leaving them so close to life but is also still somewhat dead.  There's a whole different level of life awaiting (as big or, really, bigger than the jump between 'dead' Aikido and 'alive' Aikido), and I sincerely pray that people I know and love (and others, too) find it (or already know it--I'm not Christ to know who does and doesn't really know Him).  In this reflection I realized that I haven't been doing as good of a job of sharing Christ, which I am very deeply passionate about--as I can be.  For those who don't know--I'm not talking about yelling intellectual ideas at others or using effort to change ways of thought or belief--I'm talking about just being my true self and sharing the entity that I relate to daily with others.  He has taught me so much and given me so many blessings, and He continues to.  I firmly believe that He has given me the best life possible (after I gave up my life to Him and His purposes), and I want all of those I love and care about to have their best lives possible.  It's not about some religion or some set of ideals for me, it's about relating to a God who really is here.  This struck me as something that I haven't been sharing well enough; it also was a time that I was remembering how blessed I am with my wife, friends who are as close as family, actual family, and other people whom I care about deeply.  This reflection, like many of the others, didn't result in a direct course of action that fully took care of what I was reflecting about or a specific, deep revelation, but it reminded me that I am sometimes not operating in what I am most passionate about and that I should be aware of that.  Specifically, it did remind me that I need to actually write.  There have been several topics that I've felt I should possibly pen down into a book (for myself or for others I'm not sure), and I also have a fantasy fiction series that I began to write years ago to use as a vehicle to inspire deeper thoughts about life, faith, society, government, and more--while telling a great story--that I never finished.  I'm so busy that I don't know how, but I must start making time for those things a priority now, not later, if I am to be faithful to some of what I've been inspired to do.  I also need to not worry as much around others about covering parts of my faith life to prevent offense (not saying certain things that I normally would say because I don't want to cause them discomfort--it's ok to have tact and not say EVERYTHING on my mind, but I've been a bit too guarded with some things among people whom I do actually care about and know).  If they really know and love me, they'd probably prefer I be fully and truly the real me anyway, which is also more likely to impact them positively anyway.  

There was a brief journal entry about a person I met whom I could listen to but not help as I do not regularly live in Japan.  I felt for her and her situation, but I had to do what I could in the moment and then just pray for her.  It occurred to me as I felt lame about only praying that I was being foolish--in praying I'm turning the situation over to the one I trust most, who can actually help her.  He also has many other people who do listen to Him, and some are almost certainly better equipped than me to help this person.  I realized that I was being prideful in wanting to be the one to help her, when I'd really done all I could and was now turning it to the best hands I could.

Another short entry thanked God for answered prayers regarding my foot.  It had been starting to get worse and worse, but after praying I had a sudden urge to hold both outer edges and step down with my full weight, which hurt quite a bit and felt like something was tearing, but then it was actually better for good.

The next entry was me reminding myself to work harder to earn money back home to support all the ministry endeavors and the dojo etc.

I had an entry reminding me to actually trust God will answer prayers when I pray.  Sometimes I just pray without thinking about Him answering (I just want to communicate with Him), but He actually does answer (it may be a no, but there is real interaction and answering, and I need to be 'trusting' that way when I pray--it's kind of like doing 'alive' Aikido--I need to be constantly aware of the other party when praying).

I saw some videos and photos of our dojo quarterly party online near my journal entry about dead Aikido, and it hit me hard.  I really missed my community and those I love back home.  They really do a great job of loving one another and training sincerely, and I am quite proud of them.  I was very ready to be back with them at that moment.  I also realized how good they really are at being a community of love and doing 'living' Aikido; the technical level of Aikido may be sometimes lower because all of us have less years of experience than some of the places I visited in Japan, but I am especially proud of my students hearts, intent, effort, training, and love.

Needing to slow down back home was the topic of another entry.  I didn't know how to accomplish it, but I knew I needed to do it.  Maybe I need to change my expectations of myself?  Maybe I need to do less and do it at a slower pace?  I already know that in any given moment, I need to extend and connect with God and others, listen to the Holy Spirit and others, and be at peace, but this reflection is how to slow down not just in the moment but how to slow down overall to do things at better quality.  I don't yet have an answer on this one, but I am sincerely praying about it and reflecting on it still.

Another journal entry reminded me not to nail Christ back on the cross.  This has been a thought I've had before, but it was previously used as guilt to prevent me from doing something wrong.  This time, I was reflecting on how much I love Christ as a person, on how much I love what He did when He was here long ago, what He taught, and what He still does as He moves.  The idea of causing Him (or anyone I love) pain and hurt is something that I truly want to avoid.  Looking at it from this relationship perspective makes me truly not want to do something that's evil.  This is even magnified by the fact that I want Christ's Kingdom to be advancing more in this world (more people loving others, people experiencing increased connectedness with God, self, and others) and don't want to advance the purposes of evil (disconnection from God, others, and even self, and propagating disconnection).  It brought to the surface how much I deeply do want to avoid sin and find opportunities to love.

Realizing that what I do in private never affects just me is not a new thought.  Everything I do affects who I become, which in turn causes an impact in everyone I engage with.  However, I usually use this thought in the negative--anything bad I do in private causes me to become worse so it impacts others.  I realized that I never live in the hope of the reverse of that statement, and that it's foolish not to.  Anything good I do in private also affects who I become and affects others.  Let good things ripple and grow, too!

My next entry was freeing--who sets the uchideshi schedule?  They do.  Who subjects me to it--I do.  Only I choose to actually live up to that schedule.  When it feels like something I have to do, any part of it can seem exhausting.  When I realize that only I am making myself do it REALLY, then it's freeing.  It's also true--I would not ever opt to quit and get a hotel for the remainder of my stay, but nothing prevents it but me.  I have to remind myself that I am constantly choosing to obey--not being forced to by some outside force.  This thought progressed to God and His laws.  Who makes them?  He does.  Who subjects myself to them?  I do.  It's true that the Holy Spirit gives me self-control as a gift, but ultimately there is a self-control element to each choice I make as a believer.  If that's the case, the law (remember the entire law and the prophets can be summed up in 'love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind and love your neighbor as yourself') isn't some unbearable burden that I 'must' do, it's something I freely choose to subject myself to in the exact same way that I choose to subject myself to the uchideshi requirements (granted I disagree with some of the uchideshi requirements and they have flaws whereas I agree with the law's rightness).  This is strangely freeing.  I'm free to choose what's right.  It's a great freedom, and one I want to exercise (that I'm joyful to exercise).  It's not a burden when looked at this true way because it was never intended to be a burden.

Another entry that reminded me to slow down came about when I watched one of the other uchideshi scurrying to do work very quickly.  It was quite windy outside, and he and I had just finished sweeping everything into a clump.  I was planning on doing things non-traditionally by sweeping that clump to a corner and using the dust pan to pick it up because there was a crazy strong wind that morning.  Before I could do that, though, he steeled himself, opened the window and attempted to frantically sweep everything out against the wind using all his uchideshi speed and might.  Needless to say, everything blew back in all over the dojo.  I was not pleased.  He shut the window and swept the bulk of it to a dustbin (he learned in one shot), but it was already still spread all back out.  As he cleaned other things, I re-swept the entire tatami (and got a lot of dirt into a pile).  While I was sweeping, I reflected that I sometimes do the same thing back home with all the dojo and ministry work.  I do all the work, but then there's so much to do that I attempt to finish quickly and actually make a mess of things.  Rather than taking a little more time to truly finish a project well (even if it puts other things behind), I rush like this fellow to get it all done.  This ultimately leaves everything done less well than it should be, and I don't want to live like that.  I still need to figure out what to cut out of what I do or how to do things differently or look at things differently to accomplish a more thorough, quality, and slightly slower lifestyle.  I still don't have answers, but I do know I need to work at it.

I realized that a lot of my battles with sin or with living a life of love have been too solo.  Though I'm married to Tella and include her in most of my life, sometimes I need to be more open with her spiritually and invite her into my spiritual life better.  This is important as I really do love Christ and really do want to love others and do it together with her.  Everyone I know and love means a lot to me (and usually to her), but I want them to mean a lot to both of us as an us.

Another reflection of mine was just meditating on who and what God, Christ, and The Holy Spirit were and on thanking them for being themselves and for what they do.

In the UK I wrote down a strange, but accurate observation.  When I am too focused on battling sin or wrong perspectives in my mind, it actually decreases my imagination.  When I'm focused on just living life, loving, and being, my imagination is free and I daydream more and write better.

If I turn over distractions, fears, false desires, and lack of trust, I can easily work with what I'm given and enjoy what I'm given.

There are some more entries, but those are the bulk that are shareable or relevant.  I will say that I heard a sermon in Germany from the European director of Jews for Jesus, and his message did strike me powerfully.  In particular, he pointed to the 'Father, Father, why have you forsaken me?' cry that Christ made near the end.  He highlighted that it was not only to point to scripture in the Old Testament (the verse that literally says the same thing and discusses the Messiah), but that it was literally the speakers cry, my cry, everyone's cry (what our cries at the end of our lives should have been).  Not feeling God or His presence for eternity due to my actual sin (which, left unchecked for eternity would eventually result in me being separated from God, others, and myself due to the way sin works) would certainly lead to such a cry from me, and hearing it presented that way really struck home for me and left me thankful that Christ took that burden for me and for everyone, so we can live in eternity connected in love to God, others, and ourselves.

Ok--that's it for the reflection entries, but we aren't done!  I still have to let you know about my last couple days in Japan, my time in the UK, and my time in Germany.  There's also likely an important entry on 'What is Aikido' and probably with it 'Uchideshi My Way'.  That said, we're nearing the end--thanks for keeping up with me and being interested in my adventure!

--Brandon

PS  Here are a few of my favorite English mistakes or strange signs in Japan (and one or two are from the airport or printers in China) along with some of the more entertaining pictures I had in Japan or the UK.  (The picture of the Japanese garages--notice there's no number 4.  The number 4 is like the US number 13 but much worse--it means death, and several places just don't have a 4th... you name it).